Thursday, October 31, 2013


Grandma and I - 1982

She was the best 
Of all  Grandmas
 Made cookies,
Mush and hot chocolate.

In all of my years -
We went to her house first.
 We sang Happy Birthday -
Before we Trick-or-Treated.

“Is this what she gives out?”
My Dad held up the baggie-
Filled with candy and cookies
More than plenty
For one house….

“She doesn’t have many kids knocking,”
My Mom said. 
She gave all the treats she would buy
to the few-
Who came down to Carbona.
And the most 
to us. 

I remember-
Years later, 
my heart lies hollowed out
The holiday's 

The most tender woman –
I ever knew.

I would wish-
 for my childhood,
If it meant I could go back-

And be with her again...  

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


I know you’ve never seen a day
Where you haven’t had to sort through bad
To find the good.

I think I understand.

You seem to have spent hours dreaming,
About how life could have been better-
Than it was to you.

It makes you dreamy.

And I know you think I’m convoluted;
So unlike yourself. 
But really we are sisters…
With the same heartaches
And strengths.

We’re stuck in a land of walnuts.
Where the good outweighs the bad.
And even when you hate me…

You know that.  

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


In Memory:

There are dangerous men among men;
Those who frighten demons-
By their lives of selflessness.
In rage, they are destroyed –
By cowards shrinking from their voice.
Yet God…
Yet, God is faithful.

There are some whose lives of love
Pose a threat to the enemy-
And blind others who are weak.
Weak from struggle underneath.
And yet…
And Yet, God is strong.

There are those who survive-
The death of a beloved hero.
There are those who survive the blast –
That took them.
Their lives are the same:
A dangerous testimony –
That speaks of the grace and the power of God.

And yet,
We believe –
That our Father is the faithful one.
And yet,
We take up our cross

And follow Him.

If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.  For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away?
      Luke 9:23-25


One day you will see in her eyes-
The pain of disappointment. 
The struggle for significance…
A lovely girl wounded and broken.
Who you raised to be loved and valued.

On that day I pray –
That you will have wisdom imparted
From the one above who knows all things.
And that he be able to impart
The diffusing agent you need
To remedy your heart from
All things that turn acid and putrid
If they’re left unforgiven –
Then you will know you’re real. 

Friday, October 25, 2013


When you said you loved me
I remembered I was a girl.
I had been only breathing.
What this heart was for.

When you said you loved me
I felt sparks unleashed.
Like bubbles 
Rushing to the top.
And I blushed like a sunset.

When you said you loved me
The earth stopped moving
And the sky, in pink and purple-greys
Became a memory
I’ve carried with me till today.

 I’ve never had a moment since
A touchstone of happiness –
As that day –
When you said you loved me.  

Thursday, October 24, 2013


Me and Lulu

When I met you
You were twelve. 
Alive, awake, laughing.

And now I see you
Close enough to see
Those cracks we all hate…
And yet make us beautiful.

We compared scars
And laughed.
Still managing –
To have faith and carry on.
My sister-friend…
I wouldn’t have made it
Without you.

Today I woke up and thought-
I miss my friends.
I miss you.
My dear skaat

I love you.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Photo credit

A mountain of a man,
(awake, asleep and in between)
You float
(like rainbows)
through the world. 

Few will notice
(along with me)
how tender and beautiful you are.  
How you defy  the natural world, 
(that says big men are bears) 
just by being you.

Your gigantic gentleness-
floats through the hallways 
of lovely life.
Leaving me
 (like cotton candy
 on a paper cone) 
melting against
the slightest 
you bring
to me.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Her hair was perfect and a faint tattoo
Of a wreath of thorns adorned her arm.
She shook her head at me as I tried to get through.
And mouthed some words I couldn’t see.
Then as I tried to turn left she blocked me,
Her truck, SUV, whatever was blue.
But the stoplight in front of her was red. 

She was mouthing again, I decided to smile.
She smiled back, treacherously.
Blocking the street because she didn’t want me
Turning left on my street …
I searched for the law
When I got home.
And found no concrete evidence to pronounce her a jerk
In my mind. 

Who was right?  Me or her?


Tomika set sail in her ship one day
From all that naturally held her to shore;
She pulled up anchor and sailed toward the wind
Leaving the aches that plagued her before.
Leaving the aches that plagued her before.

Her hair she braided and pulled it back-
And brandished a cap to be perfectly free.
"To the wind!" she shouted, and set the sails.
And her crew rallied with her to sail the sea.
And her crew rallied with her to sail the sea.

In her quest to find solace, her voyage became-
A gentle seduction of the waves and the sky.
She looked toward the shore, vowing not to go back
To the place that once blinded her delicate eye...
To the place that once blinded her delicate eye.

There are some that still see her, time and again.
A peaceful, emotionless, anchor-less bride.
She's known as the girl who cast off her desire,
And chose not to feed what was wanting inside.
She chose not to feed what was wanting inside.

Friday, October 18, 2013


The following is a repost from January of 2012.  I hope you enjoy.  

A friend of mine, a Christian pastor, once told me a story of a trip he took from Sacramento to New York on a plane.  His seat-mates refused their meal, a chicken breast special that most airlines are famous for.

When he noticed he was the only one in his row eating he asked why. The girl next to him, a small college student smiled.

“We’re not together,” she said, a little embarrassed. The man next to her only smiled. He then answered my friend’s question.

“I’m choosing not to eat.” He said, waving his hand in permission. “Go ahead and eat, I’m fasting.” At this, the girl between them perked up.

“I’m fasting, too,” she said. “Are you a Christian?”

“No,” he said. “I’m actually a Satanic Priest.” My friend broke in to laughter over the joke...until he realized the man was serious.

“I’m sorry,” my friend said, “but I did think you were joking.”

The priest smiled and didn’t seem to be bothered by his reaction. “No one ever believes me,” he said. “They think that Christians are the only ones that fast.”


“Well, what are you fasting for?” the young girl ventured.

“I’m actually fasting to become one with the natural forces that will pull down the (Christian)church,” he said, sincerely. He mentioned a couple of pastors by name that he believed were against the free universe and wanted their removal.

The man continued, explaining that the world was made up of spiritual powers that most people don’t understand. He was clear, made good sense, and could have converted “an open-minded” thinker with his logic and wit.

After losing his appetite, my friend said, in an attempt at humor, “Well, looks like you guys are duking it out in the heavenly realms!”

The girl smiled, but was quiet.

The man answered, “Exactly.”

The story has stuck with me my whole Christian life. It is significant to me because when I do fast, I know that the dependence on God arises in me and something of faith is released. I also know that there are heavenly realms that can be touched by prayer and fasting.

Fasting is a discipline practiced by most religions, as a sign of and self-denial, and dependence on a greater something. Buddhists, Satanists, Muslims, and Hindus fast regularly as a ritual practice to be become stronger inside.

Fasting is seldom without a purpose, and most Christians fast to accompany a deep prayer concern that they have.  They say it elevates prayer to such a degree that one feels closer to God. It was  modeled by Jesus, at the very beginning of his public ministry. We are given examples, like prayer and fasting, by Jesus, who is fully knowledgeable of what the human condition is.

Because of its  power in the heavenly realms, it is a tool of the Christian faith, especially for break-though.

I say all of this to remind myself, at the beginning of a fast, that complete dependence on God is not only important, it is essential for my life...

It is my life.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


In my dreams I play a stringed instrument,
Whose notes never screech or sour.
Sometimes I dance ballet.

I have warmth and color and careful awareness
and sing with perfection;
conduct symphonies.

Then the light comes
and I awake.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


Nearly twelve months ago you and I spent-
Days of blood-soaked healing together.
A friendly blitzkrieg came and went;
The after-storm we somehow weathered.
Obscure survivors, tossed about –
Gifted, struggling, with, without.
And here I raise my glass (no doubt-
We do together, laugh and shout)
Today we celebrate a victory, clear!
We have survived and thrived, my dear –
This last appalling, blessed year.

Monday, October 14, 2013


Photo Credit

Will you dance-
Will will will you dance
To the bat bat bat of the
Songs of Heaven,
Glorious boy?

You gave me wings
To flap, flap the daylight
Beef up my horn
And play toward the light.
And then you twisted
Twisted toward moonlight –
So calm and collected.
Now you are gone.

And whisper forever
In rhythm and pages
Sweet sweet sweet romance
Of otherworld worlds.
Maestro fantastico.

Gracias, amigo.

Your light will live on.  

who died today at 62.  

Sunday, October 13, 2013


My worship leaves the core of me;
Makes its way to you
With whispers.
You barely move to receive
And are everywhere.
I live, believing
Knowing you live here:
In the praises -
Of your humble,
Of your tender,
Of your singing,


Saturday, October 12, 2013


Woman with a Mirror 
Oil on Canvas, Frederick Carl Frieseke

She is so different from me.
She’s shallow and illiterate
Splits infinitives…
She hates and says so
With sloppy gusto.
She holds on tight
And snuffs out light.
Complains and voices,
unhappy choices.
Her weak hands she incessantly wrings-
 Without much thought of changing things.

That woman in the looking glass
I hate the perfect form she casts…
She is so different –

From me.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013


Image by:

I walk a million miles a day,
and dream a million dreams.
I ask to see what people say,
and after, when they go away-
I find out what it means.

I grow each day, a thousand feet.
Not everyone can tell.
And when the sky and I will meet-
I'll call a certain cloud my seat-
and rest my body well.  

And if I die before my day,
I hope my dreams live on. 
There must be some fantastic way-
to keep them alive or make them stay-
When I'm already gone.  

Today's poem, "A Million Miles" was written when I was 16.  Today I remembered my Dad's reaction to it: "We gotta publish that sucker!" It is one of my favorite memories of my life.  

Sunday, October 6, 2013


One hundred and seventy three
Days of bliss
and joy
and tears
and love
and being so wide awake-
and hyper-conscious
of every little thing....


I wish I had the ballet grace
To navigate sobriety,
Instead of clumsy thumbs-
Like always,
I have found myself to have.

Deep breaths,
Walks and patience.

Always, always -

Saturday, October 5, 2013


If I should fall am I still me?
The woman I wish I was,
Not am
But want to be?
Whose eyes will see?

I am less and nothing –
And more and greater
Than who I am.
Your beautiful girl.

Enough as she is.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


Inside a tunnel of broken glass-
A world that only I have made,
My open heart lies in your hands,
The one of whom I’m not afraid.
You rescue me to glorious lands-
Your love will never, ever fade.

By definition, I am your treasure.
From discarded waste, you made me new.
Once choosing random passing pleasures-
You transformed me to someone true.
Renewed and softened beyond measure;
Each day I laugh because of you.

Because I know that you are you.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013


I once lost an ocean.
I put it down there-
And walked to get coffee. 
When I came back it was gone-
And I just had it
I thought, scratching
My overburdened head.
Where had my ocean gone?

I think of you
There. Across the path of resistance-
The least likely victim
Of all of this chaos
We call LIFE here.
One day
There’ll be no lost bridges,
Oceans or friends.
One day….

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


The most beautiful man lives just down the street,
In a red madras shirt and no shoes on his feet.
I find him there when my dogs lurch after his -
A small ball of fur that seems larger than he is.
I used to apologize for my dogs (like a mother)
But we’re used to the dance and now greet each other.
“How are you?” he bellows above his dog’s yelps.
“I’m well, thank God!” I say, and then nothing else.
Such a simple exchange is not too much to see,
But he glows when he smiles and nods at me.   

I have grown to look forward to this part of my day -
The man is always there when I walk by that way.
I would have once thought he had nothing to do –
Holed up in his garage and smoking a few…
His solid white hair and his wheelchair betray-
Why this beautiful man is un-rushed in his day.
While the rest of the world hurries, laments and gives way-

He reminds me to slow down my day.