Tonight, I asked him a question. “I’m blogging about our
anniversary later. Are you in?”
He raised his eyebrows and looked at me. “What do you mean?”
“Come on, babe,” I said, insinuating that he should have
been expecting me to ask him about this.
I do this every year, for crying out loud. “What if someone asked you the key to staying
happily married for 30 years? What would
you say?”
Mario looked over his dinner plate—he was polishing off a
lamb chop. “That’s a loaded
question. Can I get back to you?”
I sighed. “Alright.”
I started cleaning up the kitchen, since my daughter-in-law
made dinner, and returned to my desk about fifteen minutes later. Mario handed me a yellow post-it note. “This is all I got, sorry.”
I looked down and saw a list, one
that he had just written. Mario is a
list-man. In response to my inquiry, he
made a list of what he would answer if someone asked him for the secret to a long and
happy marriage.
“Thanks, babe,” I laughed. I kissed him on the neck.
“That’s all I got,” he said, shrugging and trying not to
laugh.
I should end this blog here, with that cute little story, but I won't. If anyone is curious, I'll explain the items on his list; it’s pretty cool.
1. Humor.
Mario and I make each other laugh—sometimes in response to
terrible circumstances. If you want to
bond with your partner, laugh together.
Mario has a great sense of humor; I love to laugh. This makes us a good team.
Humor is a weapon of love; laughter releases endorphins. Whenever
we share humor, we admit that we don’t take ourselves so seriously. We laugh to connect with each other, but also
because we’re both pretty damn funny.
2. Service to each
other.
Mario underlined the word “to” twice. We are servant-hearted people by nature. We both believe in the love-language of
service to people. If he asks me to do
something, I do it—gladly. The same is
true for him serving me, and I would probably say more so.
Service gets your eyes off yourself—it is a chance to do
something for someone else and in doing this, you invest in their life. Who better to invest in?
3. Admiration of each
other’s gifts.
Mario is athletic and I have attended more than one
wrestling match, track meet, and softball game.
I am his head cheerleader. He thinks
in lists and equations—I admire this tremendously and look to him for his
organizational eye when I am writing. I am social and creative; Mario loves to
hear me tell stories. He is my first
reader, editor, sounding board, and counselor.
He is wise; I am compassionate.
We know each other’s value and with each passing year, we are more and
more grateful for the other’s incredible gifts.
This is one that I need to explain. Mario and I have not always been happily
married—in fact, we’ve come close to splitting up. When we were in counselling (about twenty-three
years ago) one of our counselors explained that we were essentially fighting
with the person inside of our spouse—our inner five-year-olds. She suggested we carry pictures of our spouse
at five-years-old.
When I met Mario, he was my confident boss; I was his beautiful
employee. Once we exchanged pictures of
the little kids we once were, my heart broke.
Mario’s portrait was of a careful, frightened boy with messy hair. His eyes held the sadness of the whole
world. I looked up at him, and realized
that my words had been wounding this precious child. I have never seen him the same—and I carried
that picture around for years in my wallet.
So, the short story is, if you wouldn’t cut a five-year-old
child down in your anger, don’t do it to your spouse. Maybe the other part of this story is—get help
if you need it. A good counsellor is worth their weight in gold.
5. Forgiveness.
How fitting that this comes after the 5-year old pics.
Once a fight is over—maybe while it is still going on—make the
decision to forgive. Forgiveness is not
some magical feeling that descends from heaven, it is a decision, like love. Forgiveness is not forgetting, it’s not
excusing, it’s not even being nice to the other person. It’s recognizing the other person said
something wrong—or did something bad—and deciding to throw that thing into the
sea.
This concept doesn’t apply to behaviors associated with addictions. Addiction is the equivalent of acid in a
relationship. If you have an addiction (to ANYTHING) ditch it. If you have a negative pattern of doing
something, break it. If you need help,
get it.
So forgive.
Often. Forgive so much it feels
like you’re the one doing all the forgiving.
It’s like medicine…
6. Humility
Mario wrote (eventual!) in parentheses after this. For those
of us who like to be right, humility is a tough concept, but a necessary
one. Think of being on the same, level
playing field with your spouse, since you are fellow travelers in this
marriage.
When making decisions, it is important to (eventually)
agree. Have the humility to admit that
the other might have a better idea than you, or might know as much and have a
different opinion. So many unnecessary
fights are started because one partner thinks they are right and the other is wrong. Usually, Mario and I are both right—and both
wrong—but we listen to each other thoroughly before deciding. I trust Mario; he trusts me. We are co-laborers in the same life—what good would it do for one of us to rise haughtily above the other?
I am deeply devoted to Mario, and he is to me. I will think
of him first above anyone else; I will never even consider another man the way
I do him. He champions every dream I
have, even if it seems inconvenient at this point in our life; I support him in
every endeavor. We are each-other’s cheerleaders, best friends, and greatest
admirers. I am loyal to him and he to
me. This devotion might seem sappy or old-fashioned
in today’s world, but it works for us. After
all, it is genuine.
8. Prayer.
Mario and I are Christians, so we share a common faith. We
believe in a God who hears us and communicates with us. Our prayer life is something that is private,
between us and God. And yet, when we
join to pray there is something incredibly intimate and special—and powerful. We both feel very blessed to have this as part of our relationship--and we know it is necessary to our survival.
So that’s Mario’s list.
I think it is a pretty good list—and to think he did it in just a few
minutes makes me laugh. “That’s all I
got,” he said, handing it to me while trying to suppress a laugh. He knows very
well that his list is awesome—written on a piece of yellow paper like it’s a
simple note.
In fact, it’s almost like a love letter, isn’t it?