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| December 29, 1987 |
Mario and I have been married Twenty-eight
years today. I thank God for Mario who
is a major fox and a hell of a lot of fun to be with… but I have to say that it
has not always been easy. After
twenty-eight years we have a relationship that is beautiful and we have reaped
it after years of hard work. For years we
both practiced sowing the seeds of love.
Our early marriage counselors promised us that sowing good seeds would
bear good fruit. They were right.
After you have been married for as long as
we have, people ask you for advice. We
usually don’t give any – mainly because what these couples are really asking
for is hope. They want us to tell them
that there is hope for their relationship, no matter how badly it has
deteriorated. All couples do – they want
a good relationship.
Once a year I break out our best advice –
and here it is. Read on if you want to…this
is the super-abridged edition of what we would tell couples if we really did give out advice.
1. Don’t expect your marriage to be like your
wedding.
Please don’t take this the wrong way.
I just mean that your marriage is not going to be like your wedding where everything is
all about you! Weddings used to be a church, a smattering of family, and the bride and groom dressed
up in their “Sunday best”. Now weddings are
five-star affairs with big, fat dresses and tuxedos and tall cakes. Grooms and their groomsmen dance in
synchronized fashion. Envelopes of money are given in celebration.
Marriage is a MERGER, a legal contract, and
a covenant that cannot be broken. God help you if you think that marriage is one
big party. It is work! Often it is boring, tedious, and routine.
Only the best couples have the endurance to bring life into this
arrangement!
2. DEPOSIT
into your spouse’s heart.
Love is one of the key ingredients in
successful marriages, but romantic love is not enough. People who master marriage realize that the
spouse has a “heart account” that must be filled. Most people know how to make love withdrawals
– but forget to make the love deposits.
Kind words, gifts, laughter, memories and
special traditions that you celebrate together are all examples of deposits. Figure out what your spouse likes and do that
thing a lot.
Let it be your idea.
3. Ditch your addictions.
Love is a seedling in an
antagonistic world that is built for individuals. Individuals have addictions.
Alcohol, drugs and
gambling are not the only addictions that kill relationships (although they
certainly do a LOT of damage to plenty of marriages). Socially acceptable addictions like
food, television, phone games, and work take their toll on more families than
you would think.
After years in
full-time ministry we have heard too many partners confide that their significant other no
longer values them as much as their ____________. Fill in the blank with your addiction – that kind
of behavior kills.
4. Relationships
are worth protecting.
In an effort to be polite or socially
acceptable you may forget that the main relationship you are in requires a
genuine wall of defense. People may try
to kidnap one of you for fun and games at the cost of the other’s
happiness. Others may be friends with
your spouse but not care for you. These
people have a habit of asking if “just one of you” can work or play
side-by-side with them. There might be times
when friends encourage gossiping about your spouse.
Even well-meaning friends and family can make
these mistakes. We have had many of
these in our marriage, but have always managed to remember that our partnership
takes priority. We are not joined at the
hip, but we do value togetherness. Most
successful couples are genuinely friends who like to be with one another. Mario and I keep our spiritual eyes open for
the other’s welfare --protecting one another means protecting our relationship.
5. Love requires action and movement to
continue.
Love does not grow by itself – it’s not
kudzu or phlox.
Do something.
Guys, if you’re actually reading this, make
her a card. Tell her you love her. When you’re wrong, say “I’m sorry, babe.”
That last part, “babe” can be substituted with your pet name that makes her
feel like she belongs to you.
Girls.
I know you’re exhausted, especially if you have kids, but make him a
damn sandwich now and then. Tell him
that he’s smoking hot – and prove it.
Give him a memory that will wreck his concentration the next day at
work.
6. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to
become angry.
I didn’t author this – God did. Learn how to listen (without your answer
playing in your head). Listen like it’s
the first time you’ve ever heard what he/she is saying. Listen more than you talk and get a
reputation as a listener. If you listen,
you open one another’s hearts. Each time
you listen to your spouse you say “You are worth something to me. What you have to say matters.”
You may not agree with each other, but at
least you have listened.
7.
Use your manners.
This is your spouse, not your
property. Say thank you for everything
they do for you. Say please a lot. Hopefully your mother raised you with manners
- exercise them!!
Also, please tell your lady that you love
her and that she’s pretty. Do you know
how important that is to her? A lot important.
Okay?
Also, please RESPECT that guy, alright? Do
you know how important that is to him? A
lot important. Okay?
I can also tell you – if you’ve read this
far that community and accountability is important. For us, our church and our families witness
to our union and our major life decisions.
This is important for the big life changing events that will affect your relationship. It is also important for the
little decisions that affect others.
Be blessed and live in love. We wish you the best in everything.
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| Love rules!! |
