resolve

This year -  2016 – began ten days ago.  Do you have any resolutions?

According to the US Bureau of statistics, 45% of all adults will decide to make 2016 a better year by changing one habit.  They RESOLVE to do ONE THING differently in the New Year.  Only 10% will keep these resolutions.  Most people, in discouraged frustration, will abandon their resolve by March.  More than half of all people in the United States do not make New Year’s resolutions because they cannot face this familiar pattern again.  They resolve not to make New Year’s resolutions, citing that they either don’t trust themselves or they don’t have time to change.

2016 promises to be fresh and new and filled with promise.  On the evening of December 31^st, Mario and I arrived in Kansas City, happy to see David and Lennae, Joe and Ariel and their families.  As the New Year rang out, I raised a glass of Fanta Zero and said “Cheers” to 2016.  I kissed the love of my life and thanked God that I had actually fulfilled my New Year’s Resolution for 2015.

I am the most blessed woman I know. 

I say this with humility.  I am not that girl with a perfect, easy life.  I have only recently decided to take my life back. I used to be part of that discouraged, frustrated group when it came to New Year’s resolutions.  Mine had their own private graveyard, hidden in the dark recesses of my soul.  I tried not to be disappointed with myself, but I hated the fact that I couldn’t stick to any fitness, academic, or personal goals. 

Then, two and a half years ago, I got sober and stopped eating compulsively.  My life changed. 

Last year I made a New Year’s resolution to take a few classes at my local community college.  I took a deep breath, enrolled in school and started attending classes at 52 years of age.  I was swept up in a passion and love for it.  I learned how to write academic papers, read closely and compete academically.  As I type this, I am four classes shy of an AA degree – one that I plan to achieve by the end of May. 

Bam!

I say all of this to say this next thing:  If I can do it, YOU can do it.

You can make a New Year’s Resolution and fulfill it – especially if you really want to.  All you have to do is want to. 

The truth is, I am extremely ordinary and am living proof that if I can stop my compulsive patterns anyone can. I ran a marathon just before I turned forty – and my friends started running after they saw I did.  “Shoot, if you can do it, I figured I could!” They told me – and that made me laugh. 

You know what the marathon taught me?  All I had to do was keep running.  If you can run in pain, you can finish the race.  If you can run while others start dropping out like flies, you can cross that finish line. 

Don’t fall for the deception that resolutions are all balderdash.  They give us a chance to take stock of our lives and see what needs to change.  Give yourself permission to achieve; don't live with an assortment of dead excuses of why you can’t be the person you always wanted to be.   Don’t let fear, doubt, excuses, distractions and addictions dictate who you are.

Live 2016. 

Live it and be victorious.

28

December 29, 1987

Mario and I have been married Twenty-eight years today.  I thank God for Mario who is a major fox and a hell of a lot of fun to be with… but I have to say that it has not always been easy.  After twenty-eight years we have a relationship that is beautiful and we have reaped it after years of hard work.  For years we both practiced sowing the seeds of love.  Our early marriage counselors promised us that sowing good seeds would bear good fruit.  They were right.

After you have been married for as long as we have, people ask you for advice.  We usually don’t give any – mainly because what these couples are really asking for is hope.  They want us to tell them that there is hope for their relationship, no matter how badly it has deteriorated.  All couples do – they want a good relationship.

Once a year I break out our best advice – and here it is.  Read on if you want to…this is the super-abridged edition of what we would tell couples if we really did give out advice.  

1.  Don’t expect your marriage to be like your wedding.

Please don’t take this the wrong way.  

I just mean that your marriage is not going to be like your wedding where everything is all about you!  Weddings used to be a church, a smattering of family, and the bride and groom dressed up in their “Sunday best”.  Now weddings are five-star affairs with big, fat dresses and tuxedos and tall cakes.  Grooms and their groomsmen dance in synchronized fashion.  Envelopes of money are given in celebration. 

Marriage is a MERGER, a legal contract, and a covenant that cannot be broken.   God help you if you think that marriage is one big party.  It is work! Often it is boring, tedious, and routine.  Only the best couples have the endurance to bring life into this arrangement!

2. DEPOSIT into your spouse’s heart.

Love is one of the key ingredients in successful marriages, but romantic love is not enough.  People who master marriage realize that the spouse has a “heart account” that must be filled.  Most people know how to make love withdrawals – but forget to make the love deposits.

Kind words, gifts, laughter, memories and special traditions that you celebrate together are all examples of deposits.  Figure out what your spouse likes and do that thing a lot.  

Let it be your idea. 

3.  Ditch your addictions.

Love is a seedling in an antagonistic world that is built for individuals.  Individuals have addictions. 

Alcohol, drugs and gambling are not the only addictions that kill relationships (although they certainly do a LOT of damage to plenty of marriages). Socially acceptable addictions like food, television, phone games, and work take their toll on more families than you would think.  

After years in full-time ministry we have heard too many partners confide that their significant other no longer values them as much as their ____________.  Fill in the blank with your addiction – that kind of behavior kills.

4. Relationships are worth protecting.   

In an effort to be polite or socially acceptable you may forget that the main relationship you are in requires a genuine wall of defense.  People may try to kidnap one of you for fun and games at the cost of the other’s happiness.  Others may be friends with your spouse but not care for you.  These people have a habit of asking if “just one of you” can work or play side-by-side with them.  There might be times when friends encourage gossiping about your spouse. 

Even well-meaning friends and family can make these mistakes.  We have had many of these in our marriage, but have always managed to remember that our partnership takes priority.  We are not joined at the hip, but we do value togetherness.  Most successful couples are genuinely friends who like to be with one another.  Mario and I keep our spiritual eyes open for the other’s welfare --protecting one another means protecting our relationship. 

5.  Love requires action and movement to continue. 

Love does not grow by itself – it’s not kudzu or phlox. 

Do something.

 

Guys, if you’re actually reading this, make her a card.  Tell her you love her.  When you’re wrong, say “I’m sorry, babe.” That last part, “babe” can be substituted with your pet name that makes her feel like she belongs to you.

Girls.  I know you’re exhausted, especially if you have kids, but make him a damn sandwich now and then.  Tell him that he’s smoking hot – and prove it.  Give him a memory that will wreck his concentration the next day at work. 

6.   Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

I didn’t author this – God did.  Learn how to listen (without your answer playing in your head).  Listen like it’s the first time you’ve ever heard what he/she is saying.  Listen more than you talk and get a reputation as a listener.  If you listen, you open one another’s hearts.  Each time you listen to your spouse you say “You are worth something to me.  What you have to say matters.” 

You may not agree with each other, but at least you have listened.

7. Use your manners.

This is your spouse, not your property.  Say thank you for everything they do for you.  Say please a lot.  Hopefully your mother raised you with manners - exercise them!!

Also, please tell your lady that you love her and that she’s pretty.  Do you know how important that is to her?  A lot important. Okay?

Also, please RESPECT that guy, alright? Do you know how important that is to him?  A lot important. Okay?

I can also tell you – if you’ve read this far that community and accountability is important.  For us, our church and our families witness to our union and our major life decisions.  This is important for the big life changing events that will affect your relationship.  It is also important for the little decisions that affect others. 

Be blessed and live in love.  We wish you the best in everything. 

Love rules!!

53

I'm 53 today!

I will love this year.

I turn fifty-three today, an age that doesn’t mean much, other than I feel blessed to have such good health at this age.  What does appeal to me is that number – it is one that I have admired for years.  Isaiah fifty-three is one of the most significant pieces of literature in my life.    

Isaiah, an Old Testament prophet, specifically described the Messiah over 700 years before the birth of Jesus. Isaiah’s prophecy was so spot-on that it reads like an account of the sufferings of Jesus on the cross that someone wrote afterward. I remember the first time I heard it – in the living room of our Spiritual mentor’s house.  He asked me if it sounded like anyone I knew.  I went to bed that night and couldn’t get the chapter out of my mind.  How beautiful - that God would use these words to reach my heart.

I am a woman with a gazillion facets that can never be seen all at once, but God knows -and sees-every side of me.  I was a woman hell-bent on following my own version of wisdom when God penetrated my heart and injected life into me.  I was changed completely by His love and I am constantly amazed at HIS mercy.

I give this gift to you on my birthday –Isaiah 53.  Whether you are suffering or victorious, let these words wash over you.  Honestly, does this sound like anyone you know? 

Who has believed our message? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, And like a root out of parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty That we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him. He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him. He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet He did not open His mouth; Like a lamb that is led to slaughter, And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, So He did not open His mouth. By oppression and judgment He was taken away; And as for His generation, who considered That He was cut off out of the land of the living For the transgression of my people, to whom the stroke was due? His grave was assigned with wicked men, Yet He was with a rich man in His death, Because He had done no violence, Nor was there any deceit in His mouth. But the LORD was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, And the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand. As a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied; By His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, As He will bear their iniquities. Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great, And He will divide the booty with the strong; Because He poured out Himself to death, And was numbered with the transgressors; Yet He Himself bore the sin of many, And interceded for the transgressors.

secrets

In that day there will be inscribed on the bells of the horses, "HOLY TO THE LORD " Zech. 14:20

Breathe deeply. 

You have now prepared for Christmas and are now ready to receive, and participate in, the celebration of it.  Christmas is not only an event, it is the spirit of generosity and deep, abiding joy. 

No matter where you are in the world, Christmas is a special time.  I have been in the Dubai airport in United Arab Emirates and enjoyed the decorative red and gold lights whispering of the coming Savior. There are beautiful surprises that are hidden our traditions; they explain this holiday’s meaning.  Even the pagan celebrations involve an element of a hidden treasure inside of an obvious gift – but we Christians hold the truth.  

It is an amazing privilege entrusted to us - to be bearers of so great a  secret.  

I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles,
Isaiah 42:6

All year long we can whisper of it, but Christmas is the time we can sing it out loud.

He is here, He is here…

The Messiah that we have been waiting for has arrived!  He was promised from the beginning of time and He is the perfect plan of God.  Jesus was born because everyone needed a Savior from our condition of sin.  

Here’s the secret: He is the perfect representation of God.  God invested himself into us, into mankind.

Because of Christ Jesus, the Messiah, we are reconciled to God, our heavenly Father.  He was born in lowly and humble circumstances, and gave us an example of how we should live.  No matter how much wealth we can accumulate it is nothing compared to heavenly glory, which is what He left to become incarnate. 

Love. Humility. Adoration. Joy.

The life we are now living is lit up by a Redeemer who came to us to fulfill a promise.  All other gifts are nothing in comparison to this one; all other joy is dependent on this. 

Merry Christmas!!

Lilli

Lilliana Grace 2014

There are some children that are glitter, like sparkles inside of soap bubbles - filled with desire and imagination.  This is our granddaughter, Lilliana Grace.

Lilli is artistic and dreamy, beautiful down to her soul.  She loves to cook, draw, do mixed martial arts and read.  She notices everything, has a memory that seems to last forever, and is a never-ending surprise to most of us that know her.  She is, in short, so filled with potential that it astounds most people. 

Since Lilli and her family live in another state,. we rely on visits and phone calls to keep us connected.  One afternoon, during one of these visits last year,  Lilli asked me if we could write a book together.  Naturally, I agreed. 

“What shall it be about?” I asked.  At the time, Lilli was a fan of the “Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus” books (a series that had proven how kids wanted interaction with characters on the page). 

After thinking awhile, Lili said “School.”  She had already assembled the blank canvas, folding 8”x10” sheets of copy paper in half and stapling them together, like a real book. 

I wrote a simple story, my text on one side of the fold, saving the other side for Lili’s drawings.  I expected the normal drawings of an eight year old, not the illustrations she returned.  Lilli's illustrations were brilliant, borderless and artistic. “Oh my word,” I shouted.  “This is AMAZING!!”

She smiled, but she seemed to know that her illustrations were good.  As good as my story, I dare say.  Deep down inside, Lilli knows she’s amazing. 

This isn’t just Grandmotherly admiration.  Last year, she painted a picture that was chosen for display by the entire school district: a butterfly done in pastels that looks as if it is a stained glass window. 

Lennae and David with their artist, Lilli

There is a special beauty that is in Lilli’s heart, partly because she was born second and is a middle child.  Second born children are  unique and special, making their entrance into an already formed family, sometimes having to clamor for attention (I relate to this because I was also born second).  Erma Bombeck once wrote that the second born is special because they cry less, have more patience, wear faded clothes and “never in your life did anything ‘first,’ but it only made you more special.”  

This is Lilli.  

As a second-born child, she has learned how to shine.  Her birth was a celebration of continuance, her family now had another child, and she had a big sister waiting.  Although she might have been known for years as the “quiet one”, partly because of her juxtaposition next to Laila, Lilli has learned how to shine in ways that have made her outgrow that label.    

Today is her birthday.  We are here in California and she is there, in Kansas City.  She is - at this moment - enjoying a birthday trip is to her favorite holiday place in the whole world with two of her best friends.  Last week, she wrote to me on SKYPE to tell me how excited she was. 

As I read our back and forth on our SKYPE conversation , I marveled at how time flies.  As a Grandmother, an Abuela, I have to remember that each day I have with her is a gift to be cherished. I still remember the phone call from David saying that he and Lennae were expecting again.  The pregnancy was hard on my daughter-in-law, and she had to be hospitalized at one point.  Mario and I prayed very hard for all to turn out well.  Lilli is the beautiful answer to those fervent prayers.  I can't help but think that is why she shines with such exceptional beauty.

Happy birthday to our beautiful and creative Lilliana Grace.  We love you so much, honey!  We are constantly amazed by how you're growing and changing everyday!

Rose

David, Mario, Aunt Rose, Me, Jennifer and James
Tuscon 2010

When you throw a pebble into a pool of water, there are ripples that make rings around it.  They are quite beautiful and are proverbial examples of our actions affecting others.  I want to tell you about Mario’s Aunt Rose today, a woman of peace whose life was one pleasant ripple after another.

“My Aunt Rose is the baby of the family,”  Mario told me the day I met her. “She is the normal one in my Dad’s family.”

Mario’s father’s family was extraordinary; they could not be described as conventional.  His paternal grandparents, Joe and Amanda were from Spain and lived as immigrant business owners in the town of Hollister, California.  They had twins – Mario and Carmen; then Angelo (Mario’s Dad), then Rose. 

Mario was a professor at USC and wrote books (that I struggled to read) in academic languages; he was married to Aunt Mildred.   Carmen (whom Chev called the “love of the family”)was an intelligent, opinionated, stunning beauty – she married Uncle Frank.  Angelo (he later changed his name to Chev Rogers) was a Broadway actor who could sing – he married Mario’s Mom (Cynthia) then Alice (who Alicia is named after).  Then there was Rose, who I didn’t really know.  She lived in New Mexico and wrote letters by hand to us, she seemed so peaceful.

The day I met her, I realized that Rose (Tia Rose) was peaceful.  She had come for a visit with Uncle Frank and Aunt Carmen - they invited us to their place for an afternoon of family.  Rose was wearing a blue dress, made of light cotton fabric.  Her husband, a big man named Raul, was eating chilies whole (this action reminded me of my own Uncles who lived in Southern California). Rose greeted us and sat down to chat.  She asked questions about our lives and listened to us.  She took delight in our children.  It was like she was the keeper of family memories, and she explained about Mario, Carmen and Angelo in one sitting to me that day.  She said Angelo was always sweet and Mario was naughty and everyone thought it was the other way around.  She said her big sister Carmen really was full of love, just like Chev said. 

That day, we took family pictures and had maybe three or four hours together.  Later, she walked us out to the car to say goodbye.  She was unhurried and calm.  Peaceful.

Years later, I saw her again in Tuscon, her new home.  Uncle Raul had died and she was living by herself now.  We had a wonderful lunch and a family time with her son and grandchildren.  We cherished the time together and hold it in our hearts. She continued to write us letters, even when we were in Africa.  She emailed faithfully and even learned to master Facebook.

A few weeks ago, Aunt Rose sent us a different kind of letter: she had cancer and was not expected to live long.  "I am ready," she wrote to us.  "It's finally my turn and I'm ready to take it." 

The news hit Mario like a boulder.  He had just lost his last remaining brother; now none of his immediate family were alive.  In Mario's mind, his remaining family (that he felt close kinship with) was Alice, Cindy, and Aunt Rose. 

"I have to go see her," he told me.  

At first, Aunt Rose waved him off, saying that it wasn't necessary for Mario to make the trip out. She was exhausted most of the time and it was an effort to visit.  She had pain; she wasn't the best company.  Then, as if miraculously understanding his desire, she wrote: "If you need to come and say goodbye to me, then come."

He went with Shirley, my beloved sister-in-law (Anthony's widow) and her son, Evan.  The afternoon was magical; Mario said that Aunt Rose enjoyed the visit and had very little pain.  He sent me pictures of her.  

Today we received word that Aunt Rose took her turn and left this world.  It has been an unusually sad day.

Sometimes our caricature of family is happy people who spend a lot of time together.  I believe that a precious family is made up of many parts, including the gems that you hardly see.  Aunt Rose was one of those precious gems to us. 

Today, please hug your family.  Forgive past hurts and celebrate the love you have; you don't know how long it is going to last.  We all need one another; family is so important.  

David

Mario with Joe and David (on bottom)

One of the most beautiful traits of David, our first-born son, is that he finds a way to connect with everyone. 

When I talk about him in the third person (like I just did), I always say that David is “our first born”.  I was not present when he was born; I had not yet graduated from high school.  Mario was married to Cathy, David’s mother when David was born.  He was happy and playful; a joy to everyone; smart as a whip; and generally the center of attention wherever he went. 

He was only five years old when Cathy and Mario separated.  I met him at the tender age of six, and I loved him right away. 

I had been working for his dad (Mario) in 1986;  and the first time I saw David I started laughing.  He looked just like his father, and I said so.  This made him warm up to me, and he walked into my portion of the office instead of Mario’s. 

“Leave Janet alone, she has work to do,” Mario teased.  David looked up and him and then back to me.  “Come on David…”

“He can stay here,” I offered, bringing out a ream of paper and different colored pens. Joe, his brother, kept his distance, but David seemed eager to connect with me.  “Do you want to color with us, Joe while your Dad makes phone calls?”  Soon, David, Joe and I were drawing pictures;  Mario was finished in about half an hour.  That was the first memory I have of meeting my future step-sons– coloring pictures at my desk. 

It took awhile, but David, Joe and I started seeing a lot more of each other. Mario and I were inevitable - destined to be together.  David and Joe were part of his package deal; Vince was part of mine.  Blending our little families together meant learning to love each other and live in harmony.

David at our first computer - the Kaypro 1987

Proficient at computers at a young age, David was also a whiz at math.  He loved the reasoning of patterned things, and I marveled at this.  He grew quickly.  We played games together, especially trivia games where we warred to see who knew more.  As a teen, he started riding bulls, which terrified me; I learned how to keep my mouth shut. He graduated from high school, went off to college and then learned UNIX, which changed his life.  A series of crazy girlfriends drove me nuts and caused my prayer life to take on new forms; then he met his wife, who I treasure.  His girls made us grandparents – Laila, Lilli, and Lauren – they stole our hearts and made us grow.   His career takes him all over the world; he has become kind of an export on software and hardware set-ups for international businesses.  I am proud, but not surprised.

With all of this life experience, both terrible and wonderful, David is not bitter.  He still maintains a playful, wonderful attitude that makes people love being around him.  He seems game to connect with everyone and can usually find something in common with anyone in the world. 

I always wanted to be the parent that was there for my kids; I don’t know if I’ve succeeded.  BUT God has done something amazing in David – he has made a son who is there for his parents.  This year, especially, David has shown us that family is more than just phone calls and holiday visits.  Mario lost his brother, Stephen, to cancer in June.  He decided to make a trip to Iowa to connect with Stephen’s family, to grieve.  Since finances were especially tight (we had just returned from seeing our Grandson, Harvey, be born), I could not go with him.  David quickly offered to accompany Mario and they set out on a road trip, driving from Kansas City to the Iowa/Illinois border.

David with Delaney and Kamryn in June

When I spoke with Mario over the phone,  he told me how well things were going.  “If it weren’t for David, I don’t know what I’d be doing.  He is the bridge.”

Apparently, my niece’s daughters are similar ages to David’s daughter’s and he knew every communication point, connection (and phone app) that interested them.  Just like David to connect us all together.

Not long after, he joined his Dad and Joe for a father-son backpacking trip, which nearly killed all of them.  "Thank God for David," Mario told me when he returned home.  "He kept cracking jokes, which made us all laugh.  Even when we were dying, we were laughing!"

My step-son is more than a step-son.  He is mine in a way that only other step-parents can understand.  He is a wonder and a beautiful part of my heart.

Today David turns 36. (WHAT???!!!)

 Thank God he is not riding bulls anymore. Thank God he found Lennae.  Thank God I love his mother and we are friends.  Thank God he loves me as his step-mom and always has.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Son!!  You are one of the greatest blessings in my life.  I am a woman that has been very richly blessed. 

 July 2015
David, Harmony, Alicia, Me, Alannah, Mario and Joe