Seven years ago, one summer night in Johannesburg, I was packing up my jewelry box, and sorting through what I was going to keep or give away. We were scheduled to put everything in a moving container the following day, one that would meet us in Sacramento in two months. I found my bauble bracelet at the bottom, a string of large green beads, the color of a Granny Smith apple. I kept the bracelet because Alicia gave it to me the year we left the USA, on Mother’s Day.
“This is how I see you,” she said. “And I got an employee’s discount.” We laughed together about this. It was on sale at Claire’s, where she worked, so an employee discount made this a great deal.
At first, I didn’t like the bracelet, maybe because it bothered me that Alicia, my only daughter, saw me as an apple-green-colored-bauble-wearing woman. Did I snap my gum and wear pants that were too tight, as well? In fairness, I probably would have bought my only daughter a gold necklace with a locket on the end, where she could put tiny pictures and keep them by her heart. I would have loved to receive that kind of present at her age, but I know now the gift would not be her at all.
Alicia, as a daughter is a gift from God. When she was born, she represented the union I had with Mario—a beautiful baby girl we loved and treasured. She was genuinely the most beautiful baby girl, and easy to have around. As she grew, she clung to me, especially when she was sick. She learned to color inside the lines, identify the alphabet, read, write, do long division, and put puzzles together, all at our kitchen table. She cooked meals that were beautiful, including lasagna that tasted better than an Italian restaurant. She learned how to play the piano and sing harmonies. In her teens, she fell in and out of love. She made friends with the wrong people, and then the best people I had ever met. She had a habit of accidentally breaking my heart; she had a habit of breaking my heart on purpose. She was a magnet for friends, and traveled everywhere with her own posse. By the time we moved to South Africa, she was independent, headstrong, and vibrantly filled with every kind of life.
Even with all of her magnetic beauty, Alicia and I often struggled to feel understood by each other. I saw Alicia as a beautiful, wild unicorn, glittering but unreachable. I was the mother she ran from. I wanted a close relationship, one where she came to me for advice. Once she reached adulthood, I longed to have the friendship I had with my own mother, or at least our version of it. I wanted us to have deep conversations over coffee, or to join a book club together.
In actuality, Alicia and I were good with each other until something set us off. Both of us had so many hidden trip wires, so many unresolved issues, and we often fought more than either of us wanted. When it was time to build relationship and friendship, there were always plenty of friends around, and events they attended together. I was admittedly jealous of the fact that her friends were the ones who she would seek out first for advice, direction, and comfort—especially during heartbreak. I yearned to be needed this way.
After years of ups and downs, I stopped trying to convince my daughter how our relationship should be and started listening to her more, without offering advice. It was clear she didn’t want advice from me—she just wanted...me. About seven years ago, I made a conscious decision to take better care of my own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Alicia and I started relating to each other as adults—still mother and daughter, but adults—and maintained open communication. If I showed up, loved her and was proud of her, that was enough for Alicia. It was easy to do, especially after she became a mother. She easily interacted with her children in a way that made them feel confident and loved. She was warm, affectionate, organized, and nurturing.
Soon, I started to see what the rest of the world saw: Alicia has genuinely one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known. She’s able to do so many things. Clearly organized and gifted, she started her own business—something I didn’t know the first thing about—and earned a reputation as a conscientious, energetic, motivated, and well-liked business owner. When the Camp Fire hit Paradise, Alicia shared her house with several displaced friends, and volunteered her cleaning services to the Benevolent Elks in Chico—who later contracted her company. She’s a strong member of her community and family.
I look at this synopsis, a five-minute read that I wrote to sum up the most complicated, intricate relationship that any woman can have: one between mother and daughter. Alicia is thirty-two years old today, and I can still feel the warmth of her head on my shoulder when she was an infant. In our mother-daughter dance, we’ve always tried to connect, even if we miss a beat or two. Through the years, with our history of ups and downs, we’ve reached a place where we know each other’s rhythms.
So, that summer night in Johannesburg, when I was packing up my things, I held the apple-green-baubled bracelet in my hands and thought of Alicia. I knew that soon (very, very soon) I would move back to California be near my baby who gave this to me. I never, ever considered throwing the bracelet away, because it came from my only daughter—the girl who sees me in bright colors.
I love you, Alicia. You are truly my treasured only daughter. Thank you for being you.
Mother-daughter relationships are definitely a challenge. My own with my mother was never truly good. She probably had a better relationship with you (and certainly liked you more most of the time). It's good that you have learned how to navigate your own relationship with Alicia. She's a lucky daughter.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much, Shannon!! I think it's never easy to for a mother to see the woman the rest of the world sees--and that's what a daughter needs from her mother! I know how much your mom loved you and wanted to "protect you form the world." I don't think she saw your incredible power back then...which was my main shortcoming with Alicia. It's hard to be mom to a badass! xoxoReplyDelete
I have a badass of my own. No matter how old she gets (26 now), I still think of her as my baby girl. I hope that I have learned from the mistakes of my own relationship with my mother though.ReplyDelete